Happy Birthday day to me!

Today, I am a year older, and despite some things I am very happy that I am still here! This is the first year in a long time that I didn't plan anything. No wild nights of partying, no everyone dressing in a particular color no gift expectations nothing. I think a reason for this is I want to see who are my real friends. The people that I can just kick back and relax with. The other day I was having this conversation and a person was telling me that life is all about moments, weddings, funerals, graduations but what about the other days of the year. What about the mundane acts as being able to spring out of bed, or making your own dinner? Those are the things that when u can't do u miss the most. I think about my friends that have died, my friends that are now in wheelchairs and think about the life they use to have and I wonder. I wonder for my parents, I wonder about everything. Maybe, I do take the little things for granted. So, today on my birthday I will appreciate. Appreciate people want to take me to lunch, take me to dinner and the fact that I can laugh and dance and cry. I'm very thankful.

location: Mi Silla! (my chair) music: Craig David Smooth out Garage Mix, What's your flava!

Cigarettes smoked: 0 units, I don't smoke, don't partake in the activities
Alcohol beverages consumed: honestly, i just came back from a wonderful weekend with my soros so we partied.
Sexual partners: 0, seriously. The person that brought me to the celibacy and the person that answered.
Parties/Dances: I went back to dance class today so I'm excited!!
Weight Gain/Loss: 161. Working out feeling good. 27, is going to be sexy.

I love me. Say What? I love Me, Otra vez, I Love ME! I know I don't say it enough. As women we don't say it enough and as humans the act of saying that you love yourself sounds weird. But why does it? Today, on 4/20, I said told someone that I love myself and I felt empowered. I felt it, I meant and I do. Lately, I find myself so powerful, direct and in control of my feelings. I am getting older and I find myself so self-aware. I've got a feeling that my faith, courage and something is pulling me through and pushing me forward. I can't explain the energy around me but its undeniable. Through the tears, through the pain just to let go. To Love you really have to let go.

So onto the Saint... Well let's spell it with a C. Caint!

We've chatted for a while, back and forth but nothing seemed to materialize. I know on my behalf, I was trying to get over Mr.French and a couple other characters so I wasn't ready.I was online one day and he sent me a note. We chatted. It was very refreshing, nice flow to the conversation, great voice, i got a nice vibe from him. The Caint called when he said he would, text, everything perfect and he really kept me sane when I was locked in my sisters house. (Truly, appreciated) After all the conversations, he finally asked me out.

He was a true gentleman, opening doors, attentive, great conversation the date was great. At the end of the night, he kissed me on my forehead. The kiss on the forehead was all I could think about. I like him, I think he had fun so what's the deal. Maybe its just that he is a gentleman and doesn't kiss on the first date? Maybe had chapped lips? Maybe because it was cold and my neck was weird he didn't kiss me? Maybe he just doesn't think of me in that way? Questions, Questions, Questions all of these freaking questions started swirling away in my mind. So, I did what any adult would do. I flatout asked him how he felt about me.

I know, I know, when someone asks How do u feel about me question its a curse. Its a question no one really wants to answer because there is no great way of feeling good from it. The person asking it, feels like a moron because they are clueless and doesn't know. The person getting the question feels like a jerk because no answer is really going to be satisfactory and in the end you are going to look like a "dick."

During the following week, our conversations became weird. Always on my mind me wondering if he likes me and if he does in which ways and if we could make things work and could we take things further and him silent. It was like pulling teeth. I put my cards out there telling him I was attracted, interested and just willing to build a deeper friendship and his response was never the same. He stopped sounding enthused when I called, and I asked him upfront if I am being too much, and begged him to ask me questions and it just became a bit much. The questions were driving me crazy. The telephone wasn't cutting it anymore and then he signed in online..

The Caint confessed that he didn't like chatting on the phone, and didn't expect us to talk everynight. Which was cool, because neither did I. The Caint confessed that the conversations were getting strained and he noticed the tension and the fact that I was pressuring him on a answer. Now, maybe, it was my mistake. We were getting to know eachother and taking time but if there's no hope for romance or thoughts of romance then that should be put out there. Even though, it hurts or it may not be what a person wants to hear its better than FUCKING questions and wondering! We kill the horse when its leg is broken because its inhumane for the horse to suffer! Why doesn't this translate to people. It's called honesty. It's called being direct its called being a MAN! This is what drives women crazy. The Unknown, the questions the doubt this is what Alanis Morrsiette was talking in about when she wrote " You Outta Know" or Amy Winehous when she wrote "U sent me flying" (definatly worth a listen) or Tina Turner when she sings "What's love got to do with it?" or when Carrie to Burgers friends about his stupid ass leaving the famous post it note (Sorry, I can't, Don't hate me)It's honesty and power in that honesty. The proper respect to move on with dignity and just some fucking courtesy. People are so afraid of being seen as the "bad guy" that they avoid it end up being worst. The jerk, the dick, the Asshole.

Back to my question to the Caint.... (conversation basically went like this)

Me:In what ways do u like me?
Caint:Ur sweet natured, u have an upbeat attitude, like to laugh, i like getting to know you as a friend, your open-minded which is great, we have some of the same interest.
Me:So do you have any romantic feelings for me? It's cool if you don't/
Caint: Honestly, I'm not feeling much of a romantic spark btwn us
Me: Ouch.
Caint: If u'd rather i not be honest and lead u on thats just not me.
Me: I've been rejected before, it sucks ur not feeling it
Caint:When it came to romantic stuff it felt akward.
Ne: Yes, I know, I had so censor who I am, didn't want to say wrong things to corrupt your pure ears. Now doesn't that feel good. The weight has been lifted, I feel good.
Caint: It's not easy telling someone this, I had to see where my feeling were and weren't.I figure you might still have questions for me. So just let me know if you need to talk, I don't like to leave things a mystery for anyone, I don't want you running away in your head, I'll talk openly and honestly with you, I'm not trying to be a dick about anything. It's awkard all around, I know, but we're adults and I respect you.
Me: I wish we had this conversation over the phone so that u can hear that its cool in my voice.
Caint:I'm leading the ball in your court, you can call me.

And that is how that ended folks. So honestly, it sucks, for two weeks I've told this guy that I like him, spent phone conversations and energy in trying to get to know somwone that couldn't just flat out tell me there is no chance for romance. I felt it when he kissed my forehead and not my lips but everyone takes time. I think for me and the Caint its the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Honestly, no bad feelings.

From the Saint to the sinner..
DiabloReads. Out of the blue texted me. It's been about a month and he texted me. He said that after we didnt' speak for a couple of days then it turning into weeks things felt weird. He didn't know how to fix or start talking to me. Anywho, we discussed the books he lent me and promised that we can exchange them and other things again! We spent today text flirting and conversing and it just felt fun. Honest, Open, Fun closure on the situation. NO FREAKING QUESTIONS! LOL

I'm too edgy and horny for the saint not quite the whore for the sinner I'm just in the middle. I love me, and I smile bright and look forward to all the spring will bring.

Last but definatly not least, the Spurs! I love you guys and it hurts to watch you guys play without the spark of Ginobli. I will be there for the ups and the downs. Love is a losing game.

location: mi casa mood: amused music: Alanis Morsiette U outta know

"Beauty"

Beauty; it honestly isn't everything. I've seen some of the most "beautiful" people do the ugliest things. And, also I've seen some of the ugliest things done to "beautiful" people. "Beauty" is soemthing I feel everyone wants but it something many can't appreciate. Elizabeth Taylor, Jennifer Aniston, Hale Berry, Marlyin Monroe, and recently Rhinanna. What do these "beautys" have in common? They have all been cheated on, lied to, some battered and disrespected by men that were anomored by them. However, they have been regarded and praised for being the most "beautiful" women in the world. I'm not complaining. I've been told that I'm "beautiful" by many men. Shit, it feels good to be noticed; buy sgyrt much self-doubt, weight-loss/weight gain, standstill work enviornment, fucked economy, spiritual deprervation and failed relationships, how "beautiful can someone truely feel?

Enter Mr.DiabloRead.

I thought that he was "beautiful" and he told me that I was the same. He saw my profile, I read his, and although I couldn't quite formualate whether or not I was attracted physically, I was attracted by hid verbage. We traded notes, intellectual notes for months, graduated to the telephone and after three weeks of nightly three hour conversations we decided to meet on a Wednesday afternoon.

I saw him. Shorter, smaller build, and a couple of light facial scars which was unexpected. However, he had the warm eyes that I remembered and liked. We hugged. I was nervous. He told me that I was "beautiful." Thank you I replied and we jumped on the train to Brooklyn and had Thai for lunch.

After an hour of good food and great conversation, he took my hand pulled me close and kissed me. We walked the streets of Brooklyn rode back to Manhattan; him gazing in my eyes me playing shy and constantly looking away enjoying every minute. In many of our conversations he mentioned his love for books, so I took him th Strand bookstore off Union Square. For hourse we broswed titles, flirted, kissed and I felt my guard slwowly falling down. My doubts quickly fading and being replaced by a geniune smile. We went to the movies, kissed, conversed and I let myself go. After the movies, we picked up some Dominican Food, Monfongo, a favorite of his and arroz con habichuelas for me.

As soon as we entered my apartment, we kissed, it was passionate, warm. I felt him hard and it made me wet. We ate, drank wine and I changed into soemthing comfortable. From the couch to my candlelit room I knew I wanted him. It had been som long since I felt a warm body pressed against mine. So long since I used these lips to kiss, so long since I opened up. I layed on the bed with my black laced panties on and I removed my top and them my bra. He kissed me from my neck to my stomache, my thighs and turned me and began massaging my back. He turned me over and kissed my lips, I felt him. His muscular chest and arms, the heat, his hard thick dick fockin gon top of me. I wanted sex. I told him to fuck me. I took off his "sleeping shorts" he peeling off my panties and we kissed again he told me I was beautiful.

I opened my legs and he thrusted himself inside of me. It hurt. My legs tensed up, my stomache contracted I pushed him off of me. He assured me that we didnt' have to do this. "I want to" I assured him, he put a condom on and we tried again. Again, I closed my eyes opened my legs and he entered. "Relax baby, open up kiss me" he told me and it worked. He went in deeper and deeper harder and hard him sweating, me panting us fucking. After 15 mninutes he exploded inside the condom inside of me. We held eachother, I was naked, makeup smeared off hair a mess I was me. The me that I'm scared to be around others. I was emotionally and physicaly naked. I was scared. The confident put together woman me had been replaced by a wide-eyed girl. I cried. He held me tight, "What's wrong?" he asked. I confessed to him, I told him some of my secrets, I had let him in. He wiped my tears away and drifted into sleep in eachothers arms on my twin-sized bed. Second round, third round and then we had to go he back to New Jersey me back to my Aunt for a lunch meeting.

The day was cloudy/rainy 54 defrees and I couldn't believe what I had done. Months of cellibacy, mosths of analyzing myself gone in one night. Who was this woman? She had no regrets, just a smile and hope of getting to know this man that she had good sex with better. I texted him and he responded to and let me know that he reached Jersey safe. I called him later that night and for the first time my call went straight to voicemail. He called back two hurs late and said that he was out with family and was so tired teh rest of the day. He told me not to be wierd and that everything was fine.

1,2,3 days and no phonecalls from him. I began to get nervous, what happened to the man who said I was "beautiful?" The man that seemed so respectful, so honest, so upfront. I texted him, and called twice a day, once in the morning and once at night. At first, wishing him good safe days and nights, hoping he was still alive. 4,5,6, a week passes and no words. Just my hears. Blaming and hating myself for thinking I was "beautiful." Feeling like I soldout and hating for myself for wanting that feeling, that warmth, not being embarassed for wanting to fuck and wanting to fucking again because I enjoyed it. Angry with myself for being open. 10,11,12 days still no contact. I finally begin to forgive myself.

What I miss most is the late night conversations, the cute email exchanges and the little text messages we shared. I wanted a intimate frienship. It was something we had said was a possibility. Trust me. I'm not a delusional Charolette. I never said I wanted him to commit to me. I have trouble committing to a cellphone contract, trouble with attending weddings, trouble with keeping party arrangement with friends because I don't want to get trapped. I don't want a boyfriend, and God knows I'm not even thinking serious, so I'm left with the question, WHAT HAPPENED? Was is my truth? My ability to let someone in to my house, my body, my mind was that overwhelming?

I'm on my way to work today, its going to be a sunny 65 degress and its almostst three weeks from that great day/night. Walking down the street in the city I love its 9.15am and I'm happy. After a long harsh winter I see buds on the trees Spring is arriving. I pop into Starbuck for a quick fix and the man infront of me on the line turns around. We catch eyes. What the fuck, why is he taking so long and making me late for work I begin to think after 5 minutes and 41, 42 seconds of him ordering 10 coffees. After he's done, he turns and says in a German accent "And zes, for zhe lady. Gives zer anyzing she vants. I have how do u say inconvienced her. But zook at her. Zhe is so BEAUTIFUL!" I look down and reply thanks.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Randoms about Mr. DiabloReads. Upon our meeting he told me that he would lend me four books to read, and I have already completed one and started the second. It was great. There is no annomosity just curiosity to what happened between us. Since I'm an adult and they didn't belong to me I thought it was only right to give him back the books. So. I called him 7 times, left three mesessages. My exact text "Please, I have your books and I want to give them back, I just want my shirt (he took it by accident) it has sentimental value."
1 email "Hope your alright, and having a good day, its cool if you don't want to speak anyomore. We are adults, Books are important to you abnd you lent me four. I want to give them back to you. I just want this over so I can move on. " I sent that one twice. Still no response.

location: En mi cama music: Aventura, un beso.

Cigarettes smoked: 0 units, I don't smoke, don't partake in the activities
Alcohol beverages consumed: honestly, only social setting, maybe four drinks a week
Sexual partners: 2, seriously. The person that brought me to the cellibacy and the person that answered.
Parties/Dances: A couple, I'm not dancing as serious as I was so I go out about twice a week. Maybe I'm getting old, maybe the scene is getting old, I don't know.
Weight Gain/Loss: 163. I've gained weight, I feel fat! I'm back on the Taebo road so I made a promise to myself that I would not beat myself up abou it. I feel pretty good so I'm not going to get freaked out by the number just work on it.

It's been 30 weeks since I wrote and I can't believe it. There had been many times when I sat in front of this computer, in my little Lower East Side apartment and told myself yes I will write this fantastic philosophical highly englightened mobojumbo. It just hasn't come. Sometimes, I feel so stiffiled, so scared to remove the makeup and glossy exterior. I don't want to go deep! I don't want to go dark, I just don't want to go to the place that is going to make me cry for hours, not eat, the place where I feel my heartbeat, the place that makes me so human and so fuckedup and vile. It's an argument, a no answer from a job that I wanted, a longing for a friend a want to be loved, a chip, a crack, a fault and now a break. A breakdown! Why can't I get over myself. I tried, let me provide some insight.

"So, what Happened to.....?"
French Alex? It's completely over. There are no go backs. Its official. I've finally brokedown and realized that to him I don't matter. All the phonecalls, well wishes and help in the world couldn't put us back together. It's done, so people don't ask me about it.LOL!

Online Dating.

I forgot where I read the quote but it kind of goes something like if you do what you've always done then you'll get what you've always gotten. So, I decided to join a website. A social network that would give me acess to different kinds of men. It's no secret that I love all men, but I seem to favor Italians, Latinos and Caucasions. I created a profile, added a picture and I decided to wait. I felt awkard writing my likes and dislikes and talking/describing myself but I decided to be completely honest. So, My heading was "Vivacious woman seeks man that can keep up"

Vivacious woman seeks man that can keep up!
Nickname:V Location: United States, New York, New York Starsign: Gemini
Age:26 I am a: Woman Looking for a: Man, aged 27 - 38
Relationship seeking: Short Term Relationship, Friends
Eye color: Brown Hair color:Black Height:5'7"-5'11" (170cm-180cm)
Body Type: (Other) In my defense, I'm not skinny not fat, I workout and I'm a little thick, a size ten isn't fat. So, I consider myself "other"
My ethnicity is:Black / African descent, Latino / Hispanic
Religion: Agnostic Education:Bachelors degree
Smoking behavior: Hate smoking Drinking behavior:Drink Socially
Relationship Status: Single Have children: No
Want children:Undecided
Languages: Spanish, Japanese, English
Occupation: Marketing/ Advertising
When it comes to relocation:I would relocate anywhere in the world

How would you describe yourself?:
Charasmatic, Energetic, Sponteneous, Light-Hearted. I can be very sarcastic but I think that is just my New York ways. I'm very focused an attaining the finer things in life, but I can definatly enjoy a $2. 00 pizza. Sports, Politics and Dancing are main components of my life. I don't have children, not sure if I want any and I'm also on the fence about marriage, but I'm only 26 and those things may change.

I am looking for:
Someone interesting and can hold a conversation about sports and politics. Men that are courageous yet warm and gentlemanly. A man that doesn't have issue with weight, baby's mothers and negative influences.

I made sure my picture was fun, flirty, good smile I'm smiling with my eyes and feeling great. The picture is full of great energy and I wanted to attract the same, what did I sign myself up for. Enter, Two cops, the fat guy and Satan.

location: Mi Silla! (my chair) music: Britney Spears, "Why should I be sad?"

This is basically a rant, a rave, a what ever the fuck you want to call it. This is when a woman gets tired of fucking bending over and taking a man shit up her ass, this is when the woman realizes that she isn't a fucking doormat, this is when a woman realizes she doesn't need to put up with it any longer. This is when a woman realizes that she is beautiful despite being flawed. This is when a woamn realizes she isn't a fucking piece of meat. This is when a woman realizes she isn't a girls. This is when a woman realizes that she is a fucking woman. And this is when I finally realize that I don't need u.

U never made me feel like u need me. U never travelled to see me. U never worried about me when I was sick and scared that I might have cancer. U never called when I was vomiting from being on various medications. U never thought about me when u had "serious relationships" with two other woman. U, It was all about U. Now U are alone. So, stay alone and leave me there!

Now, my ladies, why is that men that you try to put in the past always feel they have the right to come back and ruin your present state or mind? It's like they have a censor, "oh she must be happy, she must have met someone, let me fuck it up." Besides my work situation, these past four months of the new year I have been happy. And then there u go, with your fucking French Accent, and the suave persona that enchanted me. However, this time, I'm willing to fight for my heart, and I'm not giving it to you again to break it.

On Sunday, I saw your phonecall, I didn't pick up the phone on purpose. Sunday night u called from a restricted number. to be contuined.

location: Mi silla music: Si, yo fuera un chico

Last updated 37 weeks ago. Damn, I've extremely fallen off. Everything seems to be out of wack or right back where I started a year ago. Since the updates?

Cigarettes smoked: 0 units, I don't smoke, don't partake in the activities
Alcohol beverages consumed: honestly, only social setting, maybe four drinks a week
Sexual partners: 0, seriously. What the fuck is up with this, I've been dry before but this is getting disasterious. But, I will dig deeper on why is this is what it is.

Parties/Dances: A couple, I'm not dancing as serious as I was so I go out about twice a week. Maybe I'm getting old, maybe the scene is getting old, I don't know.
Weight Gain/Loss: 157. I'm pretty much on the thinner side of were I usually am but I would love to tone up more as always.
Numbers from opposite sex: who knows
Arguments: 2

how is your.... health?

As some of you may know or not know I've been battling these ovarian cyst. I had a test to see if they are becoming cancerious and they aren't. They are so fucking painful. They usually flair up when I have my period and they either make me consipated or have massive diarriah for the first two days. I get the worst gas pains ever, I'm seriously thinking of having my whole reproductive system removed. I do not see children in my immediate, near or distant future.

so where is the sex?

As some of you may know, I was dating this guy, let's call him PuerTalian. Now, Mr. PuerTalian was very sexy, nice meditterian features, becautiful skintone but a voice that I could not fucking stand. It sound like something was blocking his vocal passage making his voice very nasal. Anywho, we went out a couple of times, and I at times blocked out his voice. Ok, I should have had my guards up when 1. He said he was/lives in New Jersey. 2. Has a child and 3. Told me he was 35 but then it changed to 37. I'm not trying to down my jersey peeps, but there must be something in the water because the men are fucking weird. I don't care if its north, south, east or west jersey, jersey is jersey.

To prove to him that I wasn't a Manhattan snob, I took the path train! YES! I got on the Path Train and met up with him at the NewPort Pavonian stop. We went to the movies saw Iron Man, nice conversation dinner at the end. He drove me home and seemed to be sane. We went out a couple more times and I decided that I was ready to get some. This PuerTalian had the biggest dick I have ever seen! It was massive! I didn't think they made them that big. He had stamina, he had oral skills that I couldn't believe. He made me feel so beautiful. I can't remember the last time a man made me cum so hard. I had a earthquake between my legs, a volcano of orgasmic juices. I decided I didn't care about any of the wrong this because he made me feel so right.

So much for the afterglow....

When it came to him, all I could think about was sex. Riding it, Sucking it, SEX,SEX,SEX, i didn't care how his day was, I mean did we really need to talk? On June 14, 2008. I looked down on the area that gave me so much pleasure and noticed that it was itching me like a motherfucker. It was two days into my period, and I usually get some form of PAD RASH (ladies know what I'm talking about)so I didn't think anything of it, but over the next two days it became unbearable. . I had filled my head with many worries. Yes, we used a condom at night, But did he use one in the morning? Yes, I was taking my Depo shot, could this be a STD! For six days I cried in agony, looking up symtpms on the internet, diagnosing myself with Chlamdiya, Herpes, and grossing myself out with horrible pictures. On June 19, when my period had stopped I headed to the gyno. I had a bacterial infection. With some medicine I healed but my feelings for the PuerTilian had fade. I haven't had sex since. I've lost some of my desire to a piece of me feels that this is just another experince to look back on and mask the fact that I still love Mr. French.

How is my heart?
I compare every man to him and it just frustrates me how under my skin he still is. We've unofficially decided to be friends and its working, we call eachother twice a week, and I would call him more but i'm afraid of my hurting me again. Once you've been shot, what's another bullet?

mood: contemplative music: Britney Spears, "Baby Boy"

suffering from the end of the year blues......
will write about it when i can get it out...

The last two months I've been floating in a abyss of uncertainty. I can't accurately pinpoint the moment or the incident that drove me over the edge but I was there. I know, when I'm feeling depressed I just fade away to the background. I fade to Black, I fade to alcohol, I fade to not eating/over eating, I stop working out, I don't want to dance, I don't want to work, I just feel worthless.

I've just been going through the days, floating away using makeup and alcohol to ease the pain and increase my tears. Tears that are so hot they burn my eyes and makes me wish i can throw myself up and end my existence. Worried for my personal safety, my aunt suggested that I talked to a therapist.

So. I went, and I talked, and I screamed and I cried, and I wrote out somethings and I cried some more. And, I just felt this release. I feel a lot of time I'm hard on myself and I feel guilty that I'm alive. So much shit, has happened in my life, and I don't run from it or make excuses but it haunts me. I don't want to make the same mistakes, I don't want to feel used, I don't want to be a user. I want to be happy, I want to make someone happy. Agh.

I don't know that happend, but something in clicked. I was babysitting my niece and we were playing with building blocks. I watched her knock them down and put them up and knock them down and then run to me so happy. So simple. Her smile radiated through my heart and touched it. And as she sat on my lap, she touched my face, pulled on my earrings I cried. I felt this burst of energy, innocents, purity.

I woke up the next day with a purpose. Yeah, I'm going to a new dance school. I'm working on my portfolio, damn my hair looks great, I'm singing, I'm dancing my tears have dried on their own.

location: Mi Silla! (my chair) mood: cheerful music: "My Tears Dry on their own" Amy Winehouse

le souhait i pourrait indiquer qu'il brise mon coeur
comme vous a fait dans le commencement
son non ce nous nous sommes développés à part
un rossignol ne chantant plus

sa quelque chose que je sais que vous biseauté
sexe de seperate avec émotion
je dors le soleil seul monte
votre accrochage immobile à cette notion

chaque chose ralentit
fleuve sans retour
identifiez mon chaque bruit
theres rien de neuf apprendre

le you'l n'obtiennent jamais mon droite d'esprit
comme 2 bateaux passant la nuit
la nuit la nuit
voulez le même wher de chose que nous nous étendons
autrement extrait une manière de differnet
un chemin différent d'où im allant
l'OH, son vous écoutez encore cet isnt une réunion
si désolé si je tourne ma tête
vôtre est un visage familliar
mais cela ne font pas votre coffre-fort d'endroit
dans mon lit mon lit mon lit

je n'ai jamais pensé ma mémoire
de ce que nous avons eu pourrait être imposé
mais le couldnt de I l'a laissée être
je needded l'autant que vous

maintenant son non dur pour comprendre
pourquoi nous parlons juste la nuit
temps de Th seulement je tiens votre main
est obtenir la droite d'angle
tout ralentit
fleuve sans retour
vous identifiez mon chaque bruit
theres rien de neuf apprendre

le you'l n'obtiennent jamais mon droite d'esprit
comme 2 bateaux passant la nuit
la nuit la nuit
voulez le même wher de chose que nous nous étendons
autrement extrait une manière de differnet
un chemin différent d'où im allant
l'OH, son vous écoutez encore cet isnt une réunion
si désolé si je tourne ma tête
vôtre est un visage familliar
mais cela ne font pas votre coffre-fort d'endroit
dans mon lit, mon lit, mon lit

Wish I could say it breaks my heart
like you did in the beginning
Its not that we grew apart
a nightingale no longer singing

Its something I know you can do
separate sex with emotion
I sleep alone the sun comes up
your still clinging to that notion

Everything is slowing down
river of no return
recognize my every sound
there is nothing new to learn

you'll never get my mind right
like 2 ships passing in the night
in the night, in the night
want the same thing where we lay
otherwise mines a different way
a different way from where I'm going
oh, its you again listen this isn't a reunion
so sorry if I turn my head
yours is a familiar face
but that don't make your place safe
in my bed my bed my bed

I never thought my memory
of what we had could be intruded
but I couldn't let it be
I needed it as much as you did

Now its not hard to understand
why we just speak at night
The only time I hold your hand
is to get the angle right
Everything is slowing down
river of no return
you recognize my every sound
there's nothing new to learn

you'll never get my mind right
like 2 ships passing in the night
in the night in the night
want the same thing where we lay
otherwise mines a different way
a different way from where I'm going
oh, its you again listen this isn't a reunion
so sorry if I turn my head
yours is a familiar face
but that don't make your place safe
in my bed, my bed,

sometimes i can't help my mind from thinking.
about the situations and things i'm experiencing.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like if i never met you,
and thinking about if i never ever let you,
just walk into my head and then in my heart,
turn it upside down and bring my lightness into darkness,
sometimes i wonder if i'm suppose to feel empty or hollow,
and i wonder why would i let you lead cause i won't fucking follow.
so, i begin to cry and pick apart everything that i'm and want to be.
sometimes i feel its just my little girl insecurities
or the woman who wants every man to be in love with me.
sometimes, isn't sometimes cause it always eats me up inside
to know that there is another woman who might sleep at your side.
i can't completely blame you and i know that is just honest truth,
because like you, i do the same thing too.
sometimes i use men to past the time and get me through,
but on my mind its mostly you.
so, we live in email, text and many phonecalls
when its just a touch, a hug thought to show some love.
sometimes, i wish i could go back to the simple things,
when i didn't care and had my virginity.

i just lost my train of thought and the melody. blankity, blank! but i will continue...

mr. red..

so, i met this guy at a club, let's call him the red dragon. he's younger 22, he's puerto rican and he seems nice. we dance, exchange numbers makeout and everything is going alright. postive: we talk on the phone, he text me asking me how my day is and does the little things. you know, the little things that show interest the things that make a person feel alive. negative: because he is a promoter he is out every weekend, drunk high and is living his life. and i'm not mad at that. at his age, i was doing the same thing not wanting to be tired down just alive. since i want to keep things light, fresh and uncomplicated i thought this situation is benefically for the both of us. but then week after week, seeing him drunk unable to look me straight in the eye or unable to carry a conversation, makes me think differently. it makes me miss Mr.French even more and now i feel stupid and like i'm becoming a jerk.

after a night of partying, we fool around and have a good time. he says he's going to call me when he gets home but he doesn't. one day, two days, a week. during a casual meeting with a friend i receive all these text messages. "oh, i've been busy and blah blah." but he's young so i let it go. i didn't mean it, and i began to get buried in my work, i was sick and i'm just now feeling good. two weeks pass by. so, i'm sitting at home and i get a text "hello there stranger!! u 4got about me?" "I didn't 4get about you. I just been mad bizzy started a new job. mon-sat.7am-7pm so I've been working like crazy" "U coming out tonight?" I told him all is forgiven and that i wasn't coming out. but after the conversation i reconsidered and decided to surprise mr. red and show up.

i was dancing in the salsa room when i saw him and his entourage. with their dark sunglasses on (Ballin) and i stopped dancing in the middle of a song and acknowledged them and tried to talk to mr. red but he seemed different. distant, just cold and standoffish so i continued to dance and have a great night. we bumped into eachother in the hiphop room and it was weird. i approached him and told him that he was being weird, "nah girl i'm just mad high.hahhaha." fed up i left. i thought it was a good arrangement, just fun. i don't want to be your girl, i don't want a whole drawn out relationship novela aye papi why you do this to me type bullshit drama. just fun, and he's fucking it up. let's be serious here, i'm beautiful, intellegent, funny and i'm allowing mr. red time he deserves or is ready for. i don't get it. i don't ask him for shit, i don't expect anything but respect as adults if we do adult things. so, now i'm getting frustrated. and i hate it. why is it becoming complicated.

i miss the simple things. i miss mr. french. i miss the honesty. i miss the littlest things.

location: mi silla. mood: discontent music: Robin Thicke, "would that make u love me?"

Since the new year:

I've been really, really sick. I had a serious bacterial infection in my throat and I have been quarintine in my house for the last five days. It wasn't streph throat or Mono but it was serious, pockets of phlem and puss developed pockets on my glands and vocal chords which made it hard for me to speak and impoosible to eat. I'm regaining my strength and but the only thing that I can eat is soup. So, no I'm not dying, no I'm not aneroxic or anything crazy like that.

Cigarettes smoked: 0 units
Alcohol beverages consumed: honestly, i've been sick so I slowed down.
Sexual partners: 1'/2 sleeping with an ex isn't new sex.
Parties/Dances: 2.I've been sick
Weight Gain: -10bs. Since the new year due to dancing and sickness I have lost 10 pounds.
Numbers from opposite sex:5.
Arguments: 0.

Fussing and fighting and here we go again....

Two weeks ago English Alec celebrated his 30th birthday. He sent me an invitation but I didn't go. For my new year's resolution I wanted this to be the year that I have completely rid myself of him. The year that we could start possibly a friendship. I told myself that I would be celibate and clear my mind out. I was walking down 34th street just looking into shops when I heard his familiar voice, smelt his cologne and looked into his light brown eyes. We got some coffee and he invited me to help him shop for some dress shirts at Macys. We looked at colors that compliemented his skin and the season, deep reds deep blues, I don't know if its what he planned but I fell right into you.. Again. He ended buying so much he needed a extra hand help himhome.

Back at first..

Walking toward his building, I noticed that a new developement had come up, a new bodega, a new sushi spot. I hesitated when I grabbed the handle to open the door but then I heard, "It's been a while Ms. McLaug..how are you?" It was Greg the doorman, we had a brief conversation and before I knew it, I was on 17th floor. I didn't have the key anymore and had to wait fo Alec to pull the key from his chain belt. We went in, he put the bags in his room and I sat on the couch.Everything was the same. I had helped him move into the apartment almost five years ago and everything was the same. "This could have been my home, I could have been married," all the thoughts started running in my head. "Are u ok? You seem somewhere else" No estoy aqui (I am here).

He sat down on the couch and I tried to avoid eye-contact. He reached out for my hand and put it oh his face. And then he said it, "I miss u." I looked in his eyes and I felt it. I didn't tell him I missed because it would have been completley true. He traced the outline of my face with his fingers, he went to my neck and proceeded with a kiss. We began to makeout, i ripped his t-shirt, he broke my bra, i scratched his back, he turned me around and pulled my hair and we fucked. It was rough, it was painful it was passionate. It was everything that I wanted, but not from him. After we were done, he begged me to stay and to talk but I couldn't. I ran out the door, didn't say bye to Greg I ran an avenue without looking back. The M15 bus pulled up, my savior. I couldn't believe what I had done, what we had done but this time other then the feeling of shock that it happened. My heart wasn't in it, I was like whatever! No feeeling, just empty and ready to finish off some food shopping.

So, Have a finally reached icebox stage with men?

Besides this incident, one of the reasons why I'm pondering this is its freaking cold outside right now. 15 degress F. -9 Celsius,. I'm watching the wind kick everyone's ass, making them run, bundle up and avoid even eye contact. There is no one around, no leaves, the trees are breaking off. It's sunlit darkness no one is around. It's so lonely. For the first time in a longtime I feel lonely. I can't be with French Alex because he doesn't want me the way I want him. So, what's the point of anyone else. It's like I have the block of ice, I see it, but its cold and I can't see it all the way. And it hurts my hurt because I know that I'm not a cold person and I'm tired of playing this game. I find myself having to stop calling, stop texting stop emailing, stop sending because he doesn't appreciate it or he doesn't want it. I can't just stop caring. Should I?

location: mi favorite chair music: Omarion, "Icebox"

Hello everyone. I know that it's been a while since I've communicated but I've been working on myself. I wanted to start off by saying Happy New Year~Prospero Anos Felicidad. Prospero translated into English means prosperous but its so much more. It's a wish, its a blessing,its a gift of generousity that is suppose to help someone. It's an opportunity for reinvention, happiness and hope that someone will find in their prosperity happiness in the heart, soul and mind. So, my people PROSPERO ANOS FELICIDAD!

Since the new year:

Cigarettes smoked: 0 units
Alcohol beverages consumed: honestly, can't keep count celebrating like crazy.
Sexual partners: 0, seriously its been a while and i don't care.
Parties/Dances: its the new year the parties don't stop.
Weight Gain: -7bs. i've been sick so i haven't been eating much! dancing helps as well.
Numbers from opposite sex:12
Arguments: 0.

how is your.... health?

As some of you may know or not know I've been battling these ovarian cyst. I had a test to see if they are becoming cancerious and they aren't. So, I'm happy about that but they are still there. I feel them, I will have them removed. I've been on medication to help reduce the size of them but the medication makes me feel so weak and tired. My energy levels have gone down a bit and I'm sorry if I seem withdrawn or uninterested I'm working on me and that's it.

how is your.... heart?

It took some time, a lot of tears but everything is alright. I feel that return to the happy outgoing person that I love. It takes a person to knock you off your feet and make you question yourself so that u can regain confidence. I've learned that being open and vunerable isn't a weakness its a strength and with no regrets I look toward the future. ...So, what the fuck am I talking about? I sound specific but I'm very vague. Here is the rundown let's play the FRIEND,FUCK or FOE?

The actor-sweet, romantic but I'm not physically attracted to him at all. FRIEND!
Turkish guy-sweet, romantic, generous willing to be about me FOE! (Told me I was selfish because I wouldn't sleep with him. He just wasn't worthy)
Albanian guitarist-rebel, mean, sarcastic and just out there FRIEND! Has a girlfriend, I will be second to no woman sorry!
Venezulan Realtor-romantic, sarcastic so dedicated to his work will not be all about me. FOE! We went out and became sort of a father-like figure and wanted to change things about me! Agh.
Mr. Puerto Rico aka.Mr too big- FRIEND! He has a girlfriend.
Mr. Big, aka Alec- FRIEND/FOE. It depends on what day it is.
Mr. French? I don't know its a work in progress and I'm ok with that.

So, as you can see from this list there is no sex to be had for me. Which isn't so bad, maybe I'll become celebate and channel all my passion into work and dancing. If it happens for me, it happens if it doesn't it wasn't meant to be, i'm a beautiful person inside and out, and if you don't know that as my girl beyonce would say, "to the left to the left"

how is your...mind?

Positive, Hopefull and so thankful to be able to do things. I can't wait to travel this year, Dominican Republic, London, maybe Chicago :wink: Japan the possiblities for me are endless. Be inspired, if you don't like your weight change it. If you don't like your man/woman dump him/her. If you don't like your job, find a better one. If you miss your friends do something abou it. Don't do and make the same mistakes that you did last year because you'll end up losing another year.

I love all of you guys.

location: Mi Silla! (my chair) mood: ecstatic music: Robin Thicke, "Lost without U"

its said that a women's relationship with men is based upon her relationship with her father. so here it goes. (or there it went, i wrote this exactly a year ago. it goes to show that some things will never change)

today daddy fourteen (15) years ago you died. a piece of me died. daddy i knew you always wasn't the best man. i saw you hit mommy once. i heard your guys fight and you admitted that you cheated on her. i knew sometimes you used drugs. but then there was me. i know you loved me. there is not a day that goes by that i don't think of you. i wonder if you think i'm smart, i wonder if you think i'm pretty i wonder so much. its the small things that hurt. i remember dancing ontop of your feet and you telling me to listen and feel the rnb in your heart and feel la clave en su corazon. i remember the light in your eyes, the tone of your voice and the comfort i felt whenever i cried. daddy, i feel you i can't explain it but i do. i see mami when i look at my face but when i look closely i see you. i will never forget. our relationship was brief but the memories will last forever. what i wouldn't give for just a hug or to hear you so daddy when i cry today, i cry because i honestly love you, miss you and know that i'm strong enough to continue without you. (today, i smiled danced, i laughed and i remembered u. i didn't cry, i didn't let sadness overcome me. i loved you, i love you and i will go on without you.

questions. questions. questions? is all i have. answers. answers. answers? is something that i wish i could give. i know all of you mean well and have been asking me how was chicago? so for lack of the right words to say, i haven't been talking about it. i've been avoiding everyone and i'm truly sorry for not going up to new paltz last weekend. the truth is i wasn't feeling well and i just couldn't handle the question, so how's your love life without practically breaking down into tears. two nighgts ago, i was talking to a miracle butterfly that is also going through some pain with the opposite sex, and i told her that for months she's been different. not her usual happy self, its like she'd become a shell of herself. today someone said the same thing about me. DAMN.

a new yorker in chicago.

due to a snowstorm,i arrived in chicago two hours and 35 minutes later than expected. frazzled and so excited i waited for mr. french outside. he pulled up in a white car we kissed and drove off to his apartment. we got comfortable, he made me dinner, we talked and then we fucked. the next day he had to work and i was left to experience the beauty of downtown chicago. i walked to state street, saw the millennium cloud, walked michigan avenue. at first glance it downtown chicago looked like the financial district downtown manhattan. i felt like i knew where everything was, and when i was lost i asked friendly people that lead me back. it felt exhillirated and happy that i left new york. however, i couldn't stop comparing chicago to new york. even though chicago is beautiful, you could multiply chicago four times and it still could fit in new york city. the vibe was laidback upbeat. more laid back than new york but more upbeat then the midwest or down south. no i didn't see oprah, kayne, twista, lupe or michael jordan so don't ask me. lol

at night mr. french made me dinner, we watched tv and we had small conversation. i felt so nervous around him. every minute of silence i thought, "does he like me?" "am i making him happy? "why aren't we having sex nonstop" am i this, am i that. i was trying to be so perfect, say the perfect thing, be perfect that i wasn't being me. and when i was being me i felt like i was disappointing him. and for everyone that essentially loves someone you know how just want to feel accepted. i mean i accepted the fact that he wasn't real romantic with me, or the fact that he burned some of my pasta, or when he was tired from a day at work that he didn't want to go salsa dancing because he was drained when he promised. i didn't care because all i wanted to do was be next to him. i wanted to be with him. its been such a long time since i felt something strong for a man that i was willing to take this chance.

i remember one night, he told me "that i hide my feelings" and that i need to work on my "confidence" and instead of saying fuck you, i walked to the bathroom and i cried. if i was at home i could have called someone or took a walk, worked out done something. something other than cry. i looked at myself in the mirror and i didn't see me, i saw a shell of a person. confidence low, feeling like a defeated failure but i was still there. so i sucked it up and went back to his side.

the next night, we went out, i met some of his friends and i was having a great time. people kept asking is that you're man? and i would say no. we are just fucking. i was joking, but then again i wasn't joking. i had heard him say, three or four times, No she's not my girlfriend so i figured he didn't want me. hell, when we were out he treated me as a friend, introduced as a friend from new york, didn't touch me, didn't kiss me. but wanted head from me every time we were alone. i asked him, why he didn't kiss me and he said "because you are not my girlfiend" and i felt so low. i am good enough to suck your dick and fuck but you don't want to kiss me? that's something no one has ever told me in my life. i'm not a whore. definately underestimated the intellegence, the beauty the willingness and the woman that i am. ring the alarm!

the "talk"

it was my lastnight in chicago when i told him that i wanted him to be my boyfriend. i was nervous, my heart was beating so fast my hand were sweaty i never felt that feeling of nervousness. i was vunerable and at my most honest, practically naked, no bra no shoes no make up and he denied me. "i don't want another girlfriend. i've had so many, i want to be on the road to marriage." and he showed me pictures of his ex girlfriends, and to be on long scrolling list makes me sick."you are a nice girl, you have beautiful eyes, smile, hair, body you need to grow up some more and be more confident." i felt so hurt. maybe that's what i needed to hear. he didn't get to see the real me. he got to see a scared waterdown version, the jealous girl when he told me that he was seeing some woman in chicago or that i found out he has plans for a girl from MN coming to see him Nov. 22nd. Why was I trying so hard to make him like me? Why did I hold back so much? I don't know.and that is what frustrates and is eating me up inside right now.

so how did the trip end?

we talked, joked, had sex. i enjoyed my time there. i got to know him better. slept and explored a new city and myself. we kissed and hugged and i felt good. i told him that i wanted to come back, and i really meant it. nothing good in life is easy. i wrote him a personal thank you letter left it on his computer. i returned to new york, with a feeling of relief. i felt whole and confident, shit this is my home. it wasn't until i got home and my aunt asked me, so is he your boyfriend that i started feeling confused. "isn't that the reason you went there?" "so are you in love now" and when i explained that he still isn't mine she called me a fool. and for my aunt to call me a fool hit me right in the heart. i know she wasn't trying to be maliciuos but i took it that way. i felt so defeated and my words weren't coming out right and i felt tears running down my face and i had no answers. my sister called me, no answers i just couldn't talk about it. i cried to my best friend. tried to write about it to get it out but i couldn't.

back to conversation witht the miracle butterfly.

after crying on the phone to her, i realized that i didn't fail, i put myself out there and it didn't workout the way i wanted it but at least i tried. i'm hurting now, but i have no regrets. honestly. there's something about mr. french that i really like and can grow to love and that's a beautiful thing. i don't hate him, and even though i was angry and upset with things he said to me he kept it real. i think his brutal honesty makes me want him more. i would definatly go back there again. he's definatly someone i want to know deeper. i haven't spoken to him in a couple of days i didn't quite know what to say but. i'm smiling so big right now. writing all of this out, i feel like i just opened up and let out so much negativity. i'm ready to dance. i'm ready to shout, i'm ready to create, i'm ready to be inspired. i'm ready to new york strut. i'm ready to be me again. oh and i definately like me.

location: Mi Silla! (my chair) mood: content music: Beyonce, Irreplaceable

Hello, all of my beautiful people. I know that I've been missing in action a lot lately. I've been thinking about life a lot lately. For starters, for those of you who don't know october 10th, is the 17 year anniversry of my mother's death. Isn't that amazing, 17 years! Unlike my father's death I don't remember it at all. I remember she was very sick. Too sick to slick back her perfect hair and but on her red lipstick. She kissed me on my forehead, with lifeless arms squeezed me and with one of her last breaths whispered to me, "su es mi vida, todo los dias" everyday, you are my life. My father took her away in his arms and that was the last time I saw her a live. And, everyday since then I've been trying to figure out how am I her life? How can I ever live up to a woman so passionate about family, so elegant, so beautiful, so intelligent, so warm so much more than I am. She has been gone from this earth for 17 years and everytime I go to the Dominican Republic, without even knowing me, people remember her. They say, ojos asi, eyes like her and I'm amazed.

I know that I have resolved a lot of issues when it comes to the death of my parents. However, recently a whole new patch of issues have surfaced. For example, my neice and nephew. When I look into their eyes I see purity and promise something so perfect. They haven't been tainted by life. I never thought that I'd see the day that both my sister and brother would have kids. One of my biggest fear in life is having kids, and its really sad. The other day I was walking in SOHo with Sarah and this woman came up to us and asked me if I liked children. Without a second or a moments hesistation I answered No. I don't think that I could be a parent, I'd be worried about my child insanely, and I'd be worried about what would happen to them if something happened to me. I know that I've said this before but I truly belive that I'm going to die young. Its not like a have a death wish or anything its just a feeling that I feel. I could never bring someone in this world with that fear in my heart. Call it fear, call it insecurity call it what you want, I just don't think that this is something that I'm going to budge on.

On to relationships....

Also, for those of you that don't know I am in Chicago with Frenchie. Right now, he's at work and I'm alone in his place. I can't believe that I'm here! This is an extreme leap of faith. Finally, putting a nail in the coffin of a realationship with English Alec. I feel so vunerable right now, last night he told me that he hates the fact that I hide my feelings and I started to cry. Its not like I intentionally try to hide things, I'm just trying to protect myself. For him if things don't work out with me it was just an experience, a pretty nice girl from New York who he fucked and I'm just another one. For me, I think it will shake me to my heart. Shake me, noticed I didn't say break me. But I would be heart. I know that I have relationship phobia but honestly, just me being her is a leap of faith. The only thing that I can do, is approach it like Neil Armstrong. This is one step for this woman, and a leap for womankind.

See you all soon.

location: Chicago!!!! mood: ecstatic

hey all of my beautiful people. i can't believe that its been more than a month since i've upgrades my journal well.. here are my stats.

Cigarettes smoked: 0 units
Alcohol beverages consumed: acouple here, a couple there who keeps count.
Sexual partners: 1, seriously guys its was almost three and half months.
Parties/Dances: everyone knows that Virgos are close to my heart so in Septemeber the parties don't stop.
Weight Gain: -3bs. (sill maintained) Still Wearing the skinny jeans. Yay!
Numbers from opposite sex:i don't care
Arguments: 5.i have been fighting with myself and the blahness of it all.

uninspired blahness.

i've started this entry about five times, deleted and then started again. trust me. its not that i don't have anything to say its just that i don't know where to begin. so, i will take it to two weeks ago.

september 11th.

the day came, i woke up i didn't turn on the televison didn't turn on the radio i just tried to be "normal." i went to dance practice, rode the train, went to work and i then i looked at the calender. i felt a feeling of incredible sadness and longing, but i didn't want to cry. it's been five years and i still cry. whenever i walk down there i just feel the vast emptiness and see the hole. it hurts so much because the city that i love is never going to be the same. five years ago, september 9th, i was in that building eating dinner with friends and admiring the view of new york new york. it was beautiful. all i can think now is that i could have been killed. what makes me so special that i wasn't in the building when everything happend. my sister, who worked in the towers, stopped into centry 21 to look at shoes. SHOES saved her life. I'm so happy for the lives of my family and everyone that is close to me but I can't help to feel selfish. So many people were unfortunate. i can't shake the frigid feeling that comes over me when i start to think about it. people say "time heals all wounds" but as a person that has lost both her parents very young, time hasn't healed my wounds. me facing the issues and crying about has covered the wounds up.

onto another subject.

people fall is upon us! do you know what that means? people are falling left and right into relationships. fall is different from spring because spring is a blossoming stage, fall is the descent into a the cold abyss known as winter. my grandmother believes that relationships are better off starting off in the fall because people become tired of the fast sex-paced life of the summertime. most of you know that i'm not the type of person to sacrafice anything but i may be willing to fall into fall. i'll comment later when i organize my thoughts. and get that together.

as for my health...hmmm. i don't want to talk much about it but people have been asking me. its a work in progress. i'm on medication that makes me want to go to bed at 11.30pm and that is soo not me. the doctors don't quite know if i'm getting better yet, but only time will tell.

i know this entry may seem like i haven't said much, and i know. i had to get the whole september 11th sadness out of my head and heart so that i can become inspired.

i will have a lot more to say later. i am here, just trying to get over the blah of life.

location: In mi silla mood: drained music: Danity Kane. Right Now

good morning all of my beautiful people. i hope everyone is doing well. its been about a week since i've returned from my sister's wedding in las vegas. all i can say is wow. before i get into that here are my stats.

Cigarettes smoked: 0 units
Alcohol beverages consumed: all i can say is when in vegas, do as the vegans do. enough said.
Sexual partners: 0 units, seriously guys its been almost three and half months.
Parties/Dances: again, what happens in vegas stays in vegas
Weight Gain: -3bs. (sill maintained) Still Wearing the little dress. Yay!
Numbers from opposite sex:i don't care
Arguments: 0. seriously, i haven't been fighting with anyone. its scary, recently i've been getting along with everyone with the exception of my boss.

the wedding..

it was the first time that my family was together for something other than a furneral. my brother, grandmother from DR, my favorite uncle the people that mean the most to me all came to see my sister walk down the aisle. the mood was fantastic. everyone was laid back, no one was stressed out, it was a natural union. it was beautiful. the groom cried as his wife walked down the aisle looking like a vision in white. for me it was a surreal moment. my sister. the woman who thought that she would never be married, the woman who had no motherly bones in her body, the woman who i've looked up to and loved for so long is a married mom. i get emotional just thinking about it. i can't believe it. i'm so happy for her. my sister is my superwoman. and if she can take the vows and evolve into this woman than why can't i. standing right next to her at the alter and starring into her husband's eyes, i felt this spirit. no it wasn't the angels parting the heavens and all the crap, it was a feeling of uncertaintly, happiness, dedication, comittment, honesty, it was a promise that no matter what they'd be there for eachother and that was beautiful. is this what love is? i want it. i've tried but the feeling is so indescrible.

after the wedding..

in a hummer limo, with the sun roof down, we drove around las vegas singing New York New York by Sinatra, New York Shit, busta, Biggie and all of these songs to let everyone if they didn't know that New York was here. so we get to the Palms, and roll up straight to the front of the line and go right in. Fuck a line. VIP, Bottles of Champange, Grey Goose, and Water, lol sorry Alex. But it was a celebration. To make the night only better, we met P.diddy and Wilmar Valderama and they both gave my sister a bottle. It was so incredible, i felt like a SUPERSTAR. we partied until 7am and then in true bride fashion we all went to Dennys. it was a beautiful thing...A massage at the Venetian hotel, Dinner and staying at the Beliggio. Oh yeah and I won $310 at a slut machine.Priceless.

back to reality.

i arrived back in new york at 2am. and i was at work at 8.15. i know its crazy and maybe i should have taken some more time off but i had to get back on track. i have all these task and projects that need to be completed. as i sat at my desk i felt like i had never left. if i didn't have the pictures as proof, i would have never thought i went to vegas. isn't that sad. i'm seriously thinking about quiting my job because its making sick, exremely emotional an lonely. i know my job is what affords me to do a lot of things especially when it comes to travel. but what good is money if you're unhappy. i'm just thinking out loud.

serious note.

yesterday, i went to the doctor to talk about the pain that i've been feeling in my lower abdomnon. my appendix is inflamed, it looks as though cyst are growing on my overaries. my doctor has prescribed me medication that should take care of the problems and make me better. but if they do not work, i will have to have surgery. i'm trying to stay optimistic, but the medication makes me sleepy, emotional and want food. a sideaffect of the medication is server or slight depression. excersice, dancing and planning to visit people that make me happy. i'm trying to stay positive.

as for my love life, i will talk about it later because that is a topic all in itself. so, the question, do i believe in a thing called love. Of course!

Random thoughts:

Viva la Republica de dominicana!
Danity Kane, listen to the whole CD on Mtv.com, its hot seriously.
Flavor of Love2, Hello ladies Flav is almost 50 years old disgusting.
Alex, I do want to see u soon.
Where's my lesbian lover?
Beyonce's new song and video suck, trust me I had nothing to do with it.
PerezHilton.com, my newest gossip website addiction.
There is no place in the world like New York, sorry there isn't!
Happy Birthday to all of my August birthday's Diana, Cheryl just to name a few.

as always stay positive, stay beautiful and most importantly stay in touch. i heart all of you.

no edits, i'll save that for the editors.

location: Mi Silla! (my chair) mood: content music: Danity Kane. Right Now

Las Vegas, here i come. I heart u all. Today the high temperture there is 107. Wow, if I didn't burn up in New York I will definately burn there!

mood: anxious music: Viva Las Vegas. Elvis Presely

Cigarettes smoked: 0 units
Alcohol beverages consumed: 1 units
Sexual partners: 0 units, seriously guys its been almost two months.
Parties/Dances: 2 nights
Weight Gain: -1lbs. (sill maintained) Still Wearing the skinny jeans. Yay!
Numbers from opposite sex:i don't care
Arguments: 2.

first, i want to say hello to everyone. i miss u guys and i love all of you. i really do appreciate everything you guys have done and will continue to do to enrich my life. with that said,

i'm scared..

two months ago while i was sleeping, i felt a sharp pain on my side. it wasn't the usual cramp twinge. it felt like someone had taken a hammer and started pounding away at my ovaries. i woke up and felt moisture between my legs. i know i didn't pee on myself, but could i have peed on myself? i checked with my hand and it was purplish. i smelled it, but it didn't have a scent, i tasted it and was blood. i ran to the bathroom and checked wiped it and checked but it had stopped coming out. maybe i should go to the hospital, i thought but i had so many things to do and the pain had stopped, so i decided to go on wit my day.

three weeks ago while i was dancing, i felt a sharp pain on my right side. it wasn't as serve as before. i thought maybe i had been dancing too much and shaking my hips so hard that i hurt myself. i took an asprin and i didn't think about it any further.

last week as i was walking, i felt a sharp pain on the right side again. i almost fell out in the street i made it home and decided to call my gynocologist.

four days ago, i went to the gyno and had a full checkup. i had an HIV test, and a screening for other icky sexual transmitted dieases. let me tell u, i answered the infamous sexual questionnaire and when my admittor came back with my results we went into another room it was the longest 30 minutes of my life. every sexual encounter, every blow job, every kiss it played in my mind. he looked at me looked at the results and i started to cry. well, Ms... you are negative for the virus that causes Hiv and you currently do not have any STDs. i cried more.

two days ago, my gyno called me and told me to come to the office. it appears that the pains on my right side might just be my appendix or it may be a growth on my ovaries. the cells in my pap test are abnormal and this can be many things. but of course, my mind is going with the worst. my father died young, my mother died young. and i have always had the feeling that i will die young. its morbid, and i'm thinking prematurlly because we are still trying to find out what's wrong with me. but, its something that on my mind. the more i think about it, the more i write about it i wanna cry about it. i have been crying about it, but its something that i can't change or do anything about. it feels good to get that off my chest though, i let you guys know what's up.

On to other news.....

i don't know if its the stress with my work or just the unreasonable hot weather, but i feel the extreme need to clean out a lot of bullshit in my life. and where else can i start with but the love life. the turkish guy has to go! because he's a nice guy i've gone out with hip and have had an extremely hard time telling him no with everything but sex. so yesterday, after we ate dinner, i told him that i'm not into him and that i want something that he can't give me and he flipped out. "you just have to tell me what you want and i can give it to you and make you happy" he said. but really on my half there is no chemistry and i don't like him so that's it. i'm happy, its over. he can't kiss.

mr. alec aka mr big. we talked on sunday and his arrogance disgust me. his comments about another guy that i like just makes me realize why i don't want to be with him. i thought i was jealous that he was with another girl, but i realize that he is what he is and that is a womanizer. yes, i still want to be his friend and he is important to me but as for my man. Sorry. i can't see myself going back to him.

we talked for ten minutes and twenty-three seconds.

"leaving messages and voicemails saying that i miss u baby am i doing too much"- a song that is exactly what's going on with me and mr. french. i think about all these things that i want to say and tell him, but then when i get on the phone things don't come out. i can't express myself the phone to him and it frustrates me. because when we do talk, i feel like an idiot, i feel like i'm boring him and that he's lost intrest in me. i feel like i'm holding on to someone that doesn't want to be held. but SO WHAT! i'm not giving up, its the masochist in me. let's be serious now, what man wouldn't want me. With that said, September 7th, yo voy a Miami! SEPTEMBER 7th, I'M GOING TO MIAMI! NO BULLSHIT, NO WORK, just FUN!

Random thoughts:

.Ms. Puerto Rico is Miss Universe. She killed it with that dress, she's beautiful but why doesn't she speak English?
.I'm bringing Sexy back! LOL!
.Next week I will be in Las Vegas at my sister's wedding! YAY!
Making the Band 3. Aundrea, I know how she feels.
.I think I want to be a chair dancing stripper. lol
.I will be off of work for most of Septemeber, how cool is that.

As always thanks for reading into my thoughts. i love you guys.

location: Mi Silla! (my chair) mood: optimistic music: Buttons, Pussycat Dolls.

Hey everyone. Since my last entry here are my stats.

Cigarettes smoked: 0 units
Alcohol beverages consumed: 3 units
Sexual partners: 0 units, seriously guys its been almost two months.
Parties/Dances: 5 nights
Weight Gain: -1lbs. (sill maintained) Still Wearing the skinny jeans. Yay!
Numbers from opposite sex: 7
Arguments: 7.

Since this is my 100th LiveJournal post realize it will be long. I have a lot of shit floating in my head. Let's start with the ever popular

do u know me...
It started out as a casual joke, within myself. It spread to to Joe and V. Then it became a only when we go out thing and now, its evolved. I'm not talking about drugs for the idiots that don't really know me. I'm talking about a name, and this name has a personality and the persoanlity has cellphone and its taking over. I'm the new Rumplestilskin. Honestly, i was looking through my cellphone and came to the realization that more than half of the people in it don't know my real name. What's even crazier, all of my dancer friends that I hangout with alot don't know my real name. Is it because i like to keep my true self distant from people? I have no idea. What's even crazier, I don't even know how to stop it now, because when I meet new people everyone introduces me as______. I really don't know how to stop it, any suggestions? But before u suggest, do u know my real name.

I keep saying it over and over again. I'm not a jealous person. But am I? Do I say it over and over so that it beat myself in the head and fool myself into believing it. I need to be honest. Trust is something that I can be insecure about. If your my friend, I trust u with my friendship and if I trust you into bed that's something even deeper. I try to shrug off all the thoughts that run through my head like, "who's he with, what is he doing,does he care about me, does he really thinking about me" and things of that nature. So, four days ago, I bumped into Mr. Big, English Alec. He was with one of his girls and I watched them. The way he looked at her, the way he pulled out a chair for her. The small things he use to do for me. I was jealous. And in my jealous rage, I went up to him and said hello. I smiled and gave him the look. I looked at the girl shook her hand. She was so nice, she complemented me on my look and said I was beautiful. I returned to my table and began eating my food. Oh did I fail to mention that I was on a date. Well yeah, I was and now that Alec was around, my date could have been on fire and I wouldn't have noticed. I watched Alec head for the bathroom, and he looked at me. I excused myself from my date and headed for the bathroom. I was almost to the Men's room when I someone grabbed my hand and pulled me into the telephone booth.

This intense engery rushed through my body as he touched me and we kissed. He told me to dump him and meet him at his house. I refused. "Then let's do this right here." He pulled up my dress, pulled my hair and gaveme the most violent pleasurable kisses and he whispered in my ear "I know u still want me, and I miss u too." In that instant, someone opened the door, I fumbled pulled my dress down and walked right back to my table. I sat down with an uneasy smile, I looked straight down until, "here's a napkin honey, you're lipstick is smeared a detail that you should have saw in the bathroom." I was so embarrased. I fixed my lipstick and continued on with the date. I stared at him, I wanted him. I wanted to be her. It was a mess. I pulled it off though.

So, I was in my date's car, he was taking me home and he said. What do I have to do to get your attention. All night you're destracted and distant. I apologized and lied, oh, I'm just a little tired with all my work and things I'm sorry. He got out of the car, openend my door put his arm around me and we proceeded to walk. He stopped into a grocery store, I was on my cell checking some messages. I noticed that he had something behind his back and with one quick move. He got down on one knee, took out the dozen roses he had behind his back and yelled, "Veronica, I'm falling in love with u, would u do me the honor of being my girlfriend! I, yes me was dumbfounded. This was the same guy that I went out on a date with and when we kissed I felt nothing. On his knees, "Veronica, I'm falling in love with u and I want u to be my girlfriend." People were staring at me, I was so embarassed and felt my mouth moving but nothing was coming out. Are all Turkish men like this, I thought to myself. I felt cornered. I told him that I was sorry and that I need to go home. I didn't answer him we got back into the car and the air was so tense and quiet. "Look, Veronica if I said anything to offend u, I'm sorry but I'm a simple man and I really like you. You make me so happy." I'm sorry but u don't know me, "Well then let me get to know u. You have this wall up and I don't want anything to be between us. Don't answer me, now I'll give u some time. I walked back to my building and I cried. How fucked up am I? I told him in the begining nothing serious and we would be friends. I thought I was being honest. Alec started calling me like crazy. I didn't answer. Oops, I did it Again.

So. How can u get mad at someone when you're doing the same thing?

I may not know the specifics but I know. It comes with the territory. When you're dealing with a sexy man there's a lot of bullshit u have do deal with. Female friends, jealous ex-girlfriends, new chicks that want him also and pressure. Pressure with being apart, pressure from worklife, pressure from maintaining a safe distance between my own male friends and things. Just pressure all around to fail. When your with someone all insecurities are out there for everyone to judge. I guess the hard part is being honest, I know what I do with being everywhere and being someone different to different people. But I'm working on being honest with one person. So, unaswered emails, unreturned phonecalls fuels the insecurity and curiosity. Like my grandmother says, "search and you'll find". Google, Facebook, Myspace, LiveJournal Yahoo are all instruments and means to find things. So is it fair to search and get mad at someone when you're doing the same thing? And when u find, you don't feel better, you actually feel like shit u realize what u already knew and its just pain.

The gemini game.

Yes. I am a gemini. I'm not two-faced. I'm multifacited. I need someone that appeals to my serious, easy-going, complicated, sexy, intellegent, Charolette, Samantha adventerous, spontaneous, dramtic, quiet, sad, happy just out there person that can keep up. So enter, the gemini game.

The actor-sweet, romantic but I'm not physically attracted to him at all.
Turkish guy-sweet, romantic, generous willing to be about me
Albanian guitarist-rebel, mean, sarcastic and just out there
Venezulan Realtor-romantic, sarcastic so dedicated to his work will not be all about me.
Mr. Puerto Rico aka.Mr too big- doesn't care about me with close on without clothes different story.
Mr. Big, aka Alec-there are so many wrongs there it would take a tornado to put everything rigt.

I hate the fact that I like each one of them for different things and reasons. They all have something special but something in me won't let me be happy or satisfied with any of them and it sucks. I just feel like I'm leading them all on. I try to be as honest as I can with them and I let them know I only want friendship or that I want to keep everything really light nothing serious but it always backfires on me. I hate messing with people's feeling because it hurts and only bad things happen.

For example, when I was with Alec, and I found out that he cheated on me and I gave him a second chance and he was still doing things that weren't right. I felt so low and disgusting that one night, I cried and cried and cried. I went into my shower with a knife and a scrubbed. I scrubbed my whole body, I just wanted to cleanse myself of him. I scrubbed my legs until they turned red. And then I grabbed the knife. I held it to my left wrist. I was shaking, scared but just wanted to rid myself from him. He was in my skin and I wanted him out. I took the knife in right hand and with one swift movement I cut down my left wrist. I felt the warmth of the blood and became elated. I felt the pain dripping out.I fainted. My aunt found me in the tub and sent me to counselling. At that time, I didn't want to die. I just wanted shit to be over. The games the lies, the hurt I just wanted it done. How could I let someone hurt me to the point where I want to hurt myself. I vowed to not let anyone get me to that point and I vowed never to do that to someone.

So, some of you might be wondering why I didn't include Mr. French in the game because with him there is no game. I like him so much. I think he's the one fucking with my mind. Everyone is someone's fool.

This post is getting lenghty so I will continue the thoughts in the 101th. I still have so much on my mind that is fighting to come out.

location: Mi silla, mood: contemplative music: El Cantante, Hector Lavoe